Today I am going to share my journey thru the Shadow Work of facing fears and reconnecting to the Inner Wild Woman.
For the last few years, I have had this fear of being boxed into a corner of the world unable to discuss spirituality the way I truly feel passionate about due to me standing in my own way of success I have always felt as though I would hit a point of bonding and growth then feared to allow the conversation to continue. As though being a witchy woman was dangerous in a small town. I worried about how my work would be received. How would I be judged for the beliefs I have and the life I have lived thus far. For the left’s when I should have turned right? The What if’s and Did that really just happen?
I began practicing meditation with an intention to dig deeper into my Shadow, so that I may Understand where the root of this fear started for me. I began to ask myself questions like: Why Do I feel like I am not able to talk about the woo side of my life in public or even with my circle of friends? Living in a small town where everyone knows you by name it’s pretty easy to get caught up in gossip and mean girl conversations. You listen to the rumors that swirl around any woman who marches to a beat of her own long enough, you may start believing the rumors you hear.
I began distracting myself from the work I loved by participating in small-town politics, traveling down that rabbit hole taught me so much about myself, about manifesting and the way our bodies respond to everything around us.
At night as I would crawl into bed I would think about the conversations being had at my kitchen table. The plots from members in the mental health career path to back the opposing side into a corner just so they would have an emotional breakdown, fall apart and further prove they were the wrong person for the coveted position in our community. I would toss and turn at night, as I felt this new circle of friends really ate at my soul. It was exhausting, filled with drama, every time we sat down for a cup of coffee it was to shit talk the opposing side. You are what you surround yourself with and I was becoming a very shitty person.
My emotional health began to take a shift and everyone I was close to started to notice the depression and the anger I felt for the conversations happening behind closed doors that the rest of our community had no idea about. I was very short tempered and wanted to shine a light on many topics that a select few elite members of the community would have liked to keep hidden.
My emotional health began to manifest physical pain within my body. I began to experience pain in my ovaries first, then it traveled down my fallopian tubes and eventually worked its way into my labia minora. Oddly enough, everytime certain people would come around parts of my body would hurt, I would double over in pain when they left and no matter how many times I had tried going to a Dr. Modern medicine had no cure for being a shitty person and allowing the negativity to manifest in my body.
My physical body had changed so much that I no longer felt connected to it. One season while coaching my daughter’s soccer team I ran with the kids and only made it a few feet before chaffing of my labia minora had begun bleeding. Several days later I had been wearing my favorite blue jeans and sat down to quickly tearing away parts of myself. I had gone to my Gynecologist to discuss what type of options I had, we finally agreed on A labia reduction as it was medically necessary. (Later in this challenge I will write a blog about my experience with this procedure for those who have considered it, and add the link in this placeholder.)
One of the most difficult things you could ever ask of a Sagittarius woman is to sit and allow her body to heal. I found comfort in writing, journaling parts of my life that had lead up to this moment in time. I felt as though the universe in some ways required me to sit with my Shadow and heal physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. As my body continued the healing process I began to assert and establish stronger boundaries furthering the distance I needed from everyone who did not sit at my dinner table.
I stopped answering the door when people would come over for coffee. Soon I had removed myself from the mean girl circle entirely and had a pretty gnarly fallout, learned a few hard lessons about politics in a small town and discovered, I really didn’t have any value for the people who held positions of power within the educational system, mental health, nor with the city council. As the people, they were behind closed doors was a far stretch from the people they claimed to be in the public eye.
I stopped listening to the drama, and drastically ripped away friendships that I felt were contributing to my declining health.
Instead of attending city council meetings I stayed home with my family and had spa nights with my daughters again. I started focusing my attention on my garden, both outside on the front porch for the world to see and the garden of my home space. Reconnecting with my husband, my children, and myself again. I began to explore the great outdoors alone with my dogs away from people. We would run, sweat and explore the sounds, smells, and sensations of being in the wild woods reconnecting to nature again. Reconnecting with the Wild Woman.
As I began to dig even deeper into my journaling, I started exploring reasons why I would choke up when topics of religion or spirituality would come up. Reasons why I felt so compelled to live a life in service to my community rather than being in a place of service to my community. How and Why did I ever lose me in all of this process? The Rewilding of Woman is not the easy task. However, it is the very best form of self-love I could have ever possibly done for myself.
I thank each and every person for this process, because without the hardships, the mean girls swirling in a circle, never growing never changing. The City Council for teaching me Politics is all for a show, all a song, and dance for the cameras. It is a sport not a humanitarian cause for the bleeding hearts. For the member in the mental health community for educating us on ways to break the human psyche of the opposition. For the higher ranking members in the local educational system showing a very ugly side of covering up local secrets that never should have been. Thank you for the hard lessons, for connecting me to my shadow and showing me I will am a Resilient Wild Woman and the earth will shake when I choose to wake up and get started. If not for you I never would have understood my own Inner strength.
From the Wildest Parts of My Soul.