From The Hand to The Heart

From the Hand to the Heart:
Women creating support systems
to inspire greatness in themselves and each other

As I sit here, on this brisk fall morning with my mug of coffee. I am sitting back and watching the pace of my social media feeds pick up with the excitement of fall being upon us. It makes me think about a particular conversation I had with one my mom friends about Sex & Intimacy, about how it is only one facet of who we are as women. We are also Mothers, Wives, Girlfriends, SAHM, WAHM, and for some not a mom at all. Keeping this in mind, I have decided to reshape this beautiful body of copy this morning. I feel the time is right to add this to my business blog. I have given so much thought to how I will shape up my blog, what I have to say to the world as a public figure, what I want my message to be. I believe it is only right to discuss topics I can personally relate to. Therefore, My blog is going to also cover Motherhood, BDSM, Sex & Intimacy, Sex Magic, Being Small Business Owner, and finding Balance amongst it all.
So, without any further delay, here is my Hand to the Heart.
You will have to forgive my blunt and rather direct nature here…Today, I came here with the intention of farting a rainbow at you. Well what my does this mean? If you ask my girlfriend ‘short stack” she will tell you I am the type of person who farts rainbows… It means I look for the absolute best qualities a person could possibly have and I work with them to develop and empower those positives attributes. Life was not all rainbows and gummy bears for me growing up. I had an under developed support system at home.
It is a vulnerable place to write my story for the world to read. However I know in my heart I am not alone in my journey. Although we as women may have had different childhoods a few will be able to relate to my journey. As an Extroverted Introvert & Empath I would Much rather sit down for a warm cup of coffee and bond over our life experiences. Today However, I choose to embrace my 30’s with the mind frame of Eleanor Roosevelt. “ Do one thing every day that scares you” lol Today this scares me. So let’s roll up our sleeves and get started.

We are here today to learn about support systems and to inspire greatness in ourselves so that it may radiate outward into the world. What is support? What does it mean? How does it affect us in our everyday lives? I have spent the last several months having coffee dates with anyone and everyone I can. No particular topic to discuss just to listen to what they have to say. It is amazing how much you learn about a person when you choose to listen to them. Sometimes it’s more than listening to a person. Sometimes, It’s watching them, the way they move their bodies the look in their eyes. Sometimes they can not speak at all. How do you build a support system for someone unable to verbally respond back to you?
Support comes in so many forms. I must warn all of you we are about to bond over my personal story of what support truly means to me.
I will begin this journey at one of the most primal places a person should be able to finds support in life…. My Mother.
I hadn’t physically seen my mother since 20 mins after my youngest daughter was born and it had not ended very well at all:
This was physically my 3rd child I carried and gave life to. Yet this was the 5th child I was raising. My 2 younger siblings were my first babies. I as the oldest cared for and nourished their little hearts. Woke them up got them dressed for school made lunches, checked homework… I took on the role of mom while she was not emotionally present.
That day, after a long and painful labor and delivery, I allowed the emotional state of having just given birth to my daughter to best me. My mother had made a few too many snarky comments about motherhood and bonding with her new baby. I was very upset at the suggestions she had made and I could no longer hold back my anger.
This hospital visit ended promptly when I pulled my nurse to the side and asked her to remove my mother stating I need a nap and so did my baby.
It was extremely uncomfortable for me as a mother to hear the words she spoke that day. Sobbing while I sat breastfeeding my new bundle of joy. I stroke her eyebrows, and played with her little fingers. When she opened her dark blue eyes I sat in awe never being able to imagine putting her or either of her older sisters through the messy childhood I had experienced with my own mother. In this moment I pulled every ounce of childhood pain within me a buried it deep. To hide it away from the world. So that I could focus all of the energy in being the very best parent I could ever possibly be. The only problem I didn’t see coming was depression.
Every Mother’s Day I would be a little gloomy. It took my core group of friends sitting me down for a warm cup of coffee while our children played to realize this. I had to face this fear, however I was afraid to face this alone….. So, This is how it all changed. Mind you it didn’t happen overnight it took many long months, many tears and many many cups of coffee to reach this moment.
I finally felt I had that strong sense of support as a wife as a mom as a woman to face this anger I had been holding onto. If nothing else I needed the closure for myself.
It was extremely difficult for me to face my estranged biological mother. Without having the strong support system I feel this might not have been possible. To have the husband who says “ I love you and I Here for you” To have the strong “intuitive friend” who steps forward and acts as a guide when you feel lost. To have the “cheerleader friend” in your corner cheering wildly arms flailing “ you’ve got this Hillsdale it will be ok” and to have found that strong mother figure in life whisper to you” You need to do this for yourself”
I finally tracked her down, At our first meeting I was not sure it was truly her. I had my back to the door I knew she was coming in from. She had to walk past me first in order to see me. Her hair was completely grey, and the only way I could honestly recognizes my mother was the shape of her butt. It was the same shape I remembered seeing from the hospital.
She turned around and made direct eye contact, for a moment we both were still, eyes watering and not sure whether to hug, shake hands, or even dare I say run away from each other. That strong adrenaline rush you get for the fight or flight response kicked in. I stood from my chair and choked “hi mom” Without any further hesitation she ran and wrapped her arms around me so tightly I could barely breathe. At 30 years old I can honestly say my mother has never held me so tightly. We cried for a solid 2 mins as I tried to focus on the clock and pull my emotions back inside.
We sat and talked about everything she has missed in the last 5 years of life. We laughed and we cried not as mother and daughter, but as women with different backgrounds and lifestyles. At the end when it was time to leave her she grabbed me again and pulled me extremely close and whispered. “ I know you are here for closure, so daughter of mine allow me as your mother to give this to you.”
“ I hated you as a child, you were always better at being a mother than I was. I never gave you the chance to be anything but the mother. All of the pain you have in your heart leave it here with me. I am sorry, I could not be more for you. But in some small way my non presents has forced you to grow and develop into the woman you have become standing here before me today. For whatever it is worth to you, I am extremely proud of the mother, the wife and the business woman you have become. Because it forced you to create the support system you needed that I was never able to give you.”
With this she released her tight grip around my lungs. I took a very deep breathe trying to pull my tears back inside to hide from the world. This was never the emotions I had wanted her to see from me. Yet these very strong words the entire fluid and direct conversation was something my mother had never been capable of doing in the past. It had taken me by surprise. I could not decide if I was grateful she finally saw me… or if I felt badly for never seeing this within myself before.
This small yet extremely important milestone stone in life made me realize just how important the word support truly was. I walked away from her feeling lightheaded, my arms and legs left like jelly. The more air I took in the less pain I felt in my chest… it was like a heavy burden had finally been removed from my heart. Even though those words hurt to hear, they were not the worst she has ever said to me by far.
One of my very close girlfriends greeted me just outside and embraced me in a large warm and supportive hug. It felt completely different from the gripping hug of my mother. I felt supported like I didn’t have to stand so straight or tall anymore as though in some way I could release my tears. My girlfriend pulled back away after a minute looked me directly in the eyes and said “ I love you, and i’m so proud of you for facing her today.” We walked back to the van we listened to our hippie music and laughed as we came home. We didn’t talk about anything else to do with my visit at all. This to me was support. It is to know that even when in my heart I felt depleted I was NEVER alone. I had my girlfriend waiting silently for me to come back.
My husband and my children were ready for my return as well. My girls ran up to me wrapped their little arms tightly around my neck and whispered “Mommy I love you” My husband followed right after “ Looked me in the eyes and said” if you want to talk about anything i’m here, I love you. I will not ask a single question until you are ready to speak. But never forget I am right here waiting for it.”
Over the next few days, I hung out with my core group of girlfriends we took our kiddos to the park and fully engaged in dissecting the psychology of my visit. My cheerleader friend made me giggle.
I wanted to tell this particular story today because I feel most of us in today’s society can relate. Maybe not to a mother saying she hated us as a child. However the concept of facing a fear and never feeling alone is important. To have a support system in this world gives us the success we need to grow to develop to simply be.
This right here is why I fully immerse myself in Women creating Support Systems to Inspire Greatness in Themselves and Each Other.
We Women are capable of amazing things. Most of us never truly look in the mirror and see what is reflecting back at us. We bring life into this world. We nurture and love our children. We grow each and everyday watching supporting and building as we go.
Support can be as simple as a smile, or even just a nod to that first time mom in the grocery store. Baby is fussing, mom’s hair is a mess and the dark circles under her eyes can be seen from ale 3. Another example of a more singular system of support. A long time ago before I had children. I was a CNA for an Alzheimer’s and Dementia Unit. During this stage of my life Support meant something to a different degree that I still hold very dear to my heart. It meant to physically care for another human being no longer capable to care for themselves. To walk into a room drawl open the curtains to greet a patient I have cared for, for the last several months. To look them in the eyes and see they know me … but can no longer connect who I am.
I had a nonverbal system for greeting each of them. I would kneel next to where they sat, so we could maintain direct eye contact. Next a smile slow and meaningful from the very bottom of my heart to express the love I felt for them. Creating this routine support made our daily task run much smoother.
This also goes a step further, as a caregiver, it means when the lifecycle of another person is coming to an end. It’s sitting down next to them in a chair while holding their hands as they draw the last breath of air into their body and you watch as the chest falls and they let go. Finally the body is at rest. It had come to the end of its cycle

. To me this is support, it is to help another human being. This all has shown examples of support in our personal lives. How do we find it in business?
I found a really wonderful quote online…. several actually.
Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you.
Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.

For me this Quote represents all that I work for in my community. I want to hear my neighbors and my friends. Anyone can talk, who truly listens? This bold statement is painfully obvious common sense that we sometimes forget to maintain. The materialistic side of this is a simple cup of coffee. Its non- threating it gives you a solid 15 mins to watch the other person’s body language. What do they have to say to you? Do the words they speak really match what they show you?
If you can honor a person with 15mins of time, you are able to determine if your goals are going to aline correctly or even closely enough to consider building a network of support. You can get a feel for the strengths and weaknesses of another and learn how to make them functional for the greater good.
We as women have a knack for it. Look at the soccer mom who is just returning back to the workforce after spending many years at home with her little ones. What qualities, skill set does she show you? Soccer mom means a schedule, it means deadlines it means she probably has a functional calendar or system to manage life right? How about the loud mom? You need that positive cheerleader who will direct traffic and motive staff or yourself to reach goals.
My personal favorite and again forgive my raunchy self title.. THE A HOLE friend…… This friendship is one of the most important relationships you will ever have. The a hole friend will almost never tell you what you want to hear. However it will be everything you need to hear when the time is right. They will not sugar coat anything for you. All of these relationships working together are what builds us as people, women, men, children young, old. This is the golden ticket. So as you leave this room today… think about it which friendship relationship supports you. Who do you support back??
This right here is what matters most. Look at the circle of influence that currently surrounds you. It does not have to consist of many people. It only needs to consist of people who truly love and support you and the goals you put in place for yourself
We grow each and everyday watching supporting and building as we go.

Thank you
I want to take a moment and dedicate this beautiful and emotional speech to my core group of friends and family. For all of the laughter for all of the tears I appreciate each and every moment I have shared with all of you.

Maintaining Intimacy In Your Marriage

Recently I asked on several of my social media platforms “What is the most important part of Intimacy to you? The overwhelming response to this was simple in nature. Communication with your partner. Regardless of their relationship status, length of time or how many children they had, communication was above all the overwhelming answer I received from my followers. By communicating with your spouse, you are laying the intimate foundations of your relationship. You are present in each other’s life

How do we communicate? Well to start there’s verbal and nonverbal communication. I’m only going to focus on these two for today. Have we hearing words of affirmations right? Then we have psychical touch. Two of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Both of these we will be exploring further. But first I would like to ask all of you:

What is Intimacy?

According to Wikipedia Intimacy is the state of being intimate. A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history. An act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection. The sexual intercourse the quality of being comfortable, warm or familiar.

No matter your history, or cultural upbringing, we all can agree on one. As humans, we were never created to be alone. We crave to be touched, to be loved, to have intimate relationships with others. We see this is evident in the case studies having been done on newborns in the hospital receiving skin to skin bonding time with their mothers. The babies who are held flourish while those who are lacking this do not do nearly as well. You see the premature babies in the NICU, most of them are hooked up to some pretty heavy duty machines. I can tell you this first hand as a mother. Our youngest was born with an ASD (Atrial Septal Defect or a hole in her heart) and a TAPVR (Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return – Which means her pulmonary veins were not correctly connected to her left atrium) we did not find out about it until she was 2 months old. She spent a nearly month in the hospital while we waited for her little body to become healthy enough for the open heart surgery she required. My husband and I would sit and watch the monitors. As soon as she could feel her daddy’s hands touching her little arm or leg, her heartbeat would quicken and she would open her eyes there she was my little fighter, ready to take on the world.

This is also further proven by looking at any of the small children living in one of the many orphanages. Her body is malnourished, her eyes are sad and she is simply existing. She is hardly ever held or shown affections or even told words of affirmation. Her health suffers from not enough contact. You take this same child, you drop down to her eye level. Make direct eye contact and show her warm and open body language. What does she do? She hesitates for a moment because sadly, she may not understand what attention means or even be sure of what is about to happen, and then you see it. She reaches out her primal urge, longing to be held by someone, anyone willing to comfort her. Willing to hold her and tell her she is loved and valued in this world. When children like her are adopted and given the opportunity to be in a loving home they come alive and they flourish in this world.

This transfers over to adults, in any relationship. As adults, we long for and crave to be touched and to find an intimate relationship. To have another person to share our lives with. To have someone who knows us in such an intimate way we find trust and comfort to lay the foundations for something so much more greater. To have our hearts nourished and feel full of love. In a marriage, we have to acknowledge the different stages, the life cycle of it. We all start off hot heavy, then we grow and we change, and we become more comfortable. As we start this journey some of us become parents and our marriages shift to adjust to our new roles. Our focus is no longer on the hot and heavy stage of US it’s on becoming parents caring for our children, building a life for them and ourselves. We can fall into a comfortable numb, a mundane and complacent life if we’re not comforted. Slowly over time, we lose ourselves and sometimes, unfortunately, each other along the way. Once we figure out what stage we are in we need to figure out how do we get back to us? How do we find that missing spark again?

As an adult toy educator, I see this quite often in the one on one discreet consultations I do with my customers. We get so busy in life we forget the traditions that reinforce the bonds in our relationships, the playful and loving rituals we do to reignite that sparkle in our significant others eyes. I have a few questions I like to ask my clients when we really sit down to talk. I want them to really think back to the fun, the playful the BLISS.

Remember that first date? What was so special about it? How about that moment in life when you KNEW they were the one person you were going to spend the rest of your life with? What was it that caught your attention about them? How about your first kiss? The first time you made love? Hold on to those memories for just a moment.

I met my husband on a blind date when I was only 19. I knew he was the one after an hour of talking to him. It was so strange to me when he and I spoke I felt as though I knew him already. As though we were already familiar in our hearts with each other. At 19 years old, I was still a baby yet I had lived a lifetime before meeting him. My husband was the only man I ever spoke to where I didn’t stutter. I still remember that night like it was yesterday. He made me feel warm and comfortable during our conversations. Talking about our families, and our friends while we giggled as we learned about each other.

Not 24 hours after I met him, I packed a duffle bag of clothes, grabbed my favorite cast iron skillet and the homemade butcher’s block my father had made recently for me. We hopped in his truck and this California girl was off to Waco, Texas. Every parent’s nightmare right? Lol. Almost 12 years together, 3 beautiful little daughters, and the life we have worked so hard to build together. I can attest to losing intimacy in my marriage. When We became parents, it was not that we ever stopped being us, we simply pushed us off to the side and focused everything on the first steps, the first words, first laugh and then This focus grew into the beautiful first day of school, first time riding a bike without training wheels, and the first big job promotion. As a parent, how do you find time for intimacy when everyone in the house is having a meltdown? It’s not an easy task, not by far. Sometimes, you are able to see it coming other times you are not.

For us we hit a very rough patch, we spoke about that horrible D word no one ever wants to hear in a marriage. When the moment came, we opted for marriage counseling instead. We wanted to fight for our marriage, for our family and for what we have worked so hard to build together. During our sessions, we had discovered somewhere along the 12 years and 3 beautiful incredible amazing little daughters we lost the US. We lost who we were as a couple. We lost what had made us work together as a solid unit. With becoming the very best guy at work, and women in business. We had put us off to the side. We forgot how to hold hands in the store.Expectedly instead, we replaced holding hands with holding children. The three little kisses on the check shoulder or arms before bedtime. Were lost in the mix of quick showers, brushing our hair and teeth and preparing for bed. We had forgotten about the glass of chocolate milk after sex. If sex was great the chocolate milk was on point not to Sweet, not to Milky. Yet if sex was just ok. Well, we laughed at the horrible batch of chocolate milk we made together.

These small yet extremely important rituals in our marriage to reaffirm our intimacy was missing. So how do you get the rituals back after becoming a parent? Well, you can go to counseling, read books on relationships and practice communicating with your spouse. It’s a start, to want that intimate connection back. At least that has helped us to become the very best partners we could ever possibly become. It starts off small. Baby steps. Getting to this point didn’t happen overnight. It took time to grow apart and may take time to grow back together. Maybe it’s scheduling a date night. Take time for this, because it’s important. Take the time to get dressed up for your spouse Men you to. Let your beautiful spouse see the man she married. This is the moment you dress up for each other.
Find a place to go to dinner, or if money’s kinda tight, Improvise and make a nice dinner at home ( hide the frozen dinner boxes of premade food in the bottom of the trash can if you must). The important thing to remember is it’s the journey getting to this point, not the small little details of things that really don’t matter at the end of the day. Perhaps it’s a weekend away to fully immerse in a silly adventure together. Maybe..dare I say randomly watch a porno together, see how you both feel about what is being done in the scene. Allow yourselves the opportunity to communicate and explore creative ways of playing in a safe space. Then sit and talk about it for a moment and maybe, you might find an exciting new way to play together. I tell you after 12 years together we are still learning and finding new ways to play together.

Recently, on the show “Play with Me” from Playboy Radio, We the panel discussed the subject of kissing. What the body’s emotional, psychological and psychical response to kissing was. Let’s start off with psychical and psychological responses: Did you know our lips are our bodies most exposed erogenous zone? Oh yes, it takes five of the 12 cranial nerves to engage in learning about our partner.

When we kiss, dopamine is released throughout our bodies creating the sensation of falling in love during a passionate kiss. This dopamine makes us feel happy or sad sometimes even sleepy. This also sends a message to our blood vessels allowing them to dilate and our hearts to race. This is also what we identify as the sensation of falling in love. Have you ever had such a passionate kiss it brought you to orgasm? It’s an interesting experience to have. From an emotional standpoint, kissing so connecting in a relationship. After a long day of work, how would it feel to have your spouse meet you at the door? Wrapping his or her arms around your neck and body and fully embracing you for a hot and passionate kiss. Only to pull away and look you in the eyes and say “I missed you today.” How does it make you feel to kiss your significant other? When was the last time you had a hot and heavy make-out session with heavy petting and hot breath on your neck?

What are some other rituals you do in your relationship to reaffirm your love? I am big on psychical touch. Run your finger through my hair, touch my face and tell me that you love me.

After a long day, one of the biggest things I look forward to my husband doing for me is a shower. The psychical act of soaping up a sponge with our tropical scented handcrafted soaps and washing my entire body scrubbing away all of the stress from the day. The feel of the warm shower and the closeness of his body to mine. Most of the time, it really does not require sex afterward. Just the intimate moment we share naked in front of each other. The rough feel of his hands, the warmth of his skin. The intimate way to explore each other’s bodies. The way his body feels as I scrub his legs. To connect, to talk about our day. To release the stress, then we dry each other off. Most of the time this only happens realistically after we put our little ones to bed. Otherwise, we do hear the distractions of knocking and whining at the door.

I have heard of a few rituals other couples do, one couple writes naughty little messages across the smooth surface of the peanut butter jar. Just a quick little naughty note to remind each other hey. I see you, I want to play with you and engage. Another bakes a tray of cookies and meets her husband at the door wearing her apron, heels and holding the tray of cookies with nothing else. This couple recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.( and a possible sexual harassment charge from the FedEx driver… Just kidding). Love is a playful art form. Intimacy is the choosing to connect and be present in your partner’s Life. Without having intimacy in your marriage and honoring the close connection it will not bring any joy to your life, it will suffer and may even parish.

This is one of the biggest reason I love being an adult toy educator. I am honored to sit down nearly every weekend to hear people share their personal sex lives with me. Sometimes it’s a date night and a pair of vibrating panties. Sometimes it’s finding the right flavor of edible warming oil and book to describe the different ways to give and receive a sensual massage for a special anniversary present. Other times it’s in the workshops I teach, helping women to rediscover the body confidence we often lose after having children.In closing, I want to add an important point. Adult toys were never created to replace your spouse, They are meant to enhance your sex lives. To explore the many intimate ways your body responds to the visual stimulation the psychical vibrations and textures of materials, also sometimes utilizing scent, and taste. Once you open this door the possibilities are endless.